Spiritual Awakening or Going Crazy?

April 2024 – I aim to lead by example. As I share my journey to finding more authenticity in myself, my relationships, and my career, I will showcase my breakthroughs and setbacks. Some days, I know in my heart that I’m spiritually awakening. On other days, I think I’ve lost my mind. Can you relate? Today wasn’t a good day. Read on…

I don’t feel good. This morning, I woke with a swollen throat. Lately, it’s become a common occurrence. 

Before sleep wore off, I contemplated writing an article for my unpublished blog, setting up a business consultancy offer, and buying land to create a campground. As soon as I came to my senses, I couldn’t swallow my coffee and felt overwhelmed.

It’s been two years since I stepped down from my last “job.”

I keep thinking that something will come up, and I’ll get a sign or be offered direction from the Universe on what to do. I keep asking what I can do to serve. Day after day, month after month, I see no path anywhere. 

The only intuitive message I get is to write—I need to write every day. But write what? 

My days are spent with full-body flashes of heat, pangs of anxiety that cause my heart to beat hard or flutter, foreign pains in my head and neck, optical migraines providing blinding light shows, and the strangest feeling that my soul isn’t entirely in my body. 

These symptoms are interspersed with meditative moments of indescribable love, bodily buzzing and jerking sensations, and monumental ah-ha moments. Some days, I see connections between everything—even the most minor situations. On other days, I uncover foundational limiting beliefs that should change my life’s trajectory but don’t. 

When a pain or body sensation presents itself, I lay down, focus on the area, and feel it.

There has been the sensation of a large lump in my throat for quite some time. Today, it moved around and slightly dissipated. It’s scary when it feels like it’s blocking my windpipe.  

My right ovary sent out a sharp pain, too. I did the same to my ovary as I did with my throat. I send my awareness to the location of the pain and stop my brain from thinking. I sit in the feeling. 

While feeling the sensations, I search for a memory or a clue as to what these pains Want to tell me.

I keep hearing a younger version of myself saying she wants to speak and to get things out. I am still waiting to hear what she wants to express. The desire for expression isn’t surprising—the throat chakra represents our communication center. 

When I was a child, I would cry incessantly for hours. My parents would try to console me and seek a solution. For some reason, I couldn’t talk. I’m guessing, but little Kim felt so broken that there was nothing to say. I shouldn’t have been born. I didn’t belong here. That being noted, I must say that I have worked quite a bit with little Kim.

My level of self-love has been on an exponential curve upwards.

I befriended little Kim last year and have been there for her. When I see her during meditations, she seems brighter. Indeed, there is more work to do. 

But what does any of this have to do with me writing to you about it?

My intuition may tell me to write because others are going through a similar situation. Perhaps I’m somehow supposed to help? I don’t know if it’s menopause, a spiritual awakening, my lifestyle change, I have a mental illness or all of the above that’s causing me to feel so lost and uncertain.  

My thoughts are polarized. One day, I think I’ll finally be able to serve others and help make the world better. The next, I’m contemplating that it might be time to take the pills the doctor has offered me. Am I on a spiritual path that will ultimately benefit me and those I can connect with, or am I going crazy? 

I can no longer Sit Around and question things.

Every day, I’m going to write, and we’ll have to see what comes out, who reads it, and what comes of it. It makes no logical sense, but that’s the whole point. It’s time for me to trust and surrender.

Your thoughts?