Why Self Help Doesn’t Work (And 4 Things That Do)

Have you ever felt like you’re constantly chasing after the “better” version of yourself? Scouring self help bookshelves for the latest guide, hoping this one will be the one to unlock your full potential? Me too. But let’s ask ourselves an important question.

In all the years of reading books, doing courses, and waking up thinking today is the day when everything changes, has anything actually changed? What if the whole self-help thing is kind of… backward and even self-defeating? Watch the video and then carry on reading below.

The Brokenness Myth

The self help industry thrives on the idea that we’re inherently broken, flawed, or not good enough. It whispers in our ear, “You need to fix yourself, change yourself, improve yourself.” But here’s the kicker: whatever you focus on, you get more of. So if you’re constantly focusing on how “broken” you are, guess what? You’re just going to feel more broken.

It’s like that old saying about looking for your keys: you’ll only find them where the light is shining. Self-help shines a spotlight on our perceived flaws, making us feel like we need to dig and dig until we find something wrong. And trust me, we’ll always find something.

The Self-Love Revolution

But what if we focused on loving ourselves instead of trying to fix ourselves? Hear me out: self-love isn’t about ego-stroking or pretending we’re perfect. It’s about accepting ourselves, flaws and all, with radical compassion. It’s about recognizing that we are whole and complete, exactly as we are.

When we uncover our true selves, we realize we were never broken in the first place. We’ve just been wearing a mask, trying to fit into a mold that doesn’t suit us.

A Journey of Unlearning

For me, embracing self-love was a journey of unlearning and overthinking. Growing up, I was often told I was “too sensitive,” that I lacked rhythm, wasn’t athletic, and was ugly. These comments, regardless of intention, chipped away at my self-esteem, leaving me feeling small and broken.

I became a master at hiding in plain sight, always afraid of being noticed or judged. I avoided situations where I might stand out, convinced that I was somehow defective. This fear manifested in all sorts of ways, from sitting on the sidelines to a paralyzing fear of public speaking.

One particularly mortifying incident at Disney World (yes, the happiest place on Earth) involved an impromptu stage performance where I was, quite literally, put on the spot. The humiliation I felt at that moment solidified my belief that I was inherently flawed and unworthy of attention.

Healing from the Inside Out

But as I started to explore the concept of self-love, something shifted. I realized that the negative beliefs I held about myself were not truths, but simply stories I had been told and had chosen to believe.

I began challenging those stories, replacing them with affirmations of my worthiness and inherent goodness. I started prioritizing activities that brought me joy and nurtured my soul. Activities like mindfulness walking, journaling, understanding what spirituality meant to me, and more authentic relationships. Slowly but surely, the old wounds began to heal.

The more we love ourselves, the more our whole attitude shifts. We stop seeing ourselves as problems to be solved and start seeing ourselves as works of art in progress. We become more forgiving of our mistakes, more accepting of our quirks, and more confident in our abilities. And this impacts everything, even our attitude to our working life.

And that is where the real magic happens. We start to live more authentically, making choices that align with our values and passions. We stop trying to please everyone else and start prioritizing our own happiness. We become liberated from the self-doubt and insecurity that have held us back for so long.

The Science Backs It Up

Turns out, there’s science to support this whole self-love thing. Studies have shown that people who practice self-love have lower levels of stress and anxiety, stronger immune systems, and even better relationships. It makes sense.

Your Turn to Shine

If you’re ready to ditch the self help treadmill and embrace the self-love revolution, here are a few simple practices to get you started:

• Start a gratitude journal: Write down three things you’re grateful for each day. Purchase my Gratitude Journal Workbook Here!
• Practice positive self-talk: Replace negative thoughts with affirmations like “I am more than enough” or “I am worthy of love.”
• Take time for self-care: Do things that bring you joy and nourish your soul.
• Explore resources: Check out books like “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brené Brown or podcasts like “The Self-Love Fix” with Beatrice Kamau.

So, Ditch the Self Help, Embrace the Self-Love

Self help might offer temporary solutions or band-aids for our wounds, but it doesn’t address the root cause: our lack of self-love. So next time you’re tempted to pick up that self help book, take a moment to look in the mirror and tell yourself,”I am beautiful, I am worthy, I am love.”

It’s a journey, not a destination. But I promise you that the more you love yourself, the more you’ll realize how powerful and amazing you truly are.